Monday, December 3, 2012

A church home. I used to find this term confusing. Always wondering what you mean a chruch home. I go to church and never felt like it was home or even liked the people in the church. I didn’t know anyone name, we had nothing in common etc.. I just didn’t consider it anymore than a place that took away my Saturday (moms is a 7 day Adventist christian if that means something) but I hated it. It was long boring and I had some old guy up front talking about a person I wanted nothing to do with for seemed like 9 hours lol. So considering a church a home was out of the question….. 

But growing up, going thru my life pains and stupidity on my own accord I started looking for someone help. Some  guidance, lol I actually wanted to talk to God about things. Still not the people of the church just God. It was like I wanted to go but I was ignoring Gods people. That was sort of automatic because of how hypocritical I am used to church folk being, for which I still do not consider myself one for various reasons. I probably never will. But when I moved to maryland I first started reading a Strive bible on my own,  not for any reason just to read and understand. But I still had this void I wanted to be filled, reading on my own was boring and sooooo lost in the wording lol. I started praying more for help or a sign or something and I got it. Made a new friend, and he coaxed me into coming to check out this small young energetic church. I was still skeptical to churches but this one seemed so different on the first day I went. Everyone smiling, hugging, greeting, etc.(I said o falseness already) and sat down and waited for it to be over with. But I was wrong lol, some saw that I was new sat with me for a little bit and talked with me, asked me my name, and it was a real conversation. Not about joining the church or anything like that. But service soon started I was WOW by everything. The music, the way the pastor and other ministers were having fun with service. Making jokes, laughing, etc… It was different not traditional or boring. Something I needed, the pastor Aaron Jone Wade came and gave his sermon (I think that’s the word) and like I said before to you guys he woke me up, like he wrote it for me before he even knew I was attending service. I loved all of it. Then after service (love that fact that it wasn’t drawn out and long) the pastor walked over to me introduced himself, talked with me, asked me my name gave a hug and just said I hope to see you again. LOL to be honest I wasn’t planning on coming back at first but all that Charisma in CCWDC drew me back.

Anyway, with me becoming a member, and trying to be active in church I was still searching for answers from God, wanting guidance and a sign. Not even thinking that this place is a church home, or that the members would be my church family. Going all the time its like they snuck me in lol. I was interacting with everyone, joking around being myself, making friends, learning names and before I knew it They are all family lol. I had a church home, a place I loved to go to, liked the people in it, and wanted to see it grow into something great. A church home is necessary to life, it feels a spot that you will need, and provides gifts on earth from god. I am surprised every time I go to church and it makes me so happy. With a church home you will have so many people to go to for help, friendship, shoot even fun lol. I love God and everything he takes away and everything he provides. God is taking away my anger and annoyance and giving me what I want… an extended family and another place to call home.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Operation get rite is well under way. For the most part anyway lol. It sucks being on the diet again, and this time seems like its a whole lot harder than the last. I have had one or two slip ups which is not like me. Usually on a diet I build my routine and I stick to it to a T, but this time its different, I am following everything in the book and all but its like I am almost winging the rest. I am in the gym 4 to 5 times a week now, not boxing still due to financial obligations but I cannot but hopefully by January I will be back. And I will need to be in shape cuz Randolph is going to destroy my body when he sees me lol. And as much pain boxing will put me through I will love every second of it.

I figure I will be happy if I loose 40 to 50 more lbs. So I restarted the Dukan Diet. Why because its the only thing that gets results at least with me. Its soo restrictive but effective and teaches control along the way. Control is crucial to not gaining the weight back. So back to no carbs, sugars, you know the good stuff for a year pretty much. Its harder this time yes but i wont stop until I loose the weight. Or until I am happy with what I see in the mirror. Since starting it I have lost about 10lbs in 2 to 3 weeks. The last 2 days I have gained back, for which I am not sure where or why, well no thats a lie because I did fall off 2 days in a row where I had Sesame Chicken from a Chinese spot, just the chicken but its drenched in some sort of sauce that is soooooo FANTASTIC but I am sure not according to the diet. So I go back bland food lol. I lost one of the two pounds gained already and I just need to stay focused. The problem came when I got hungry and had no food lol, thats when my will faltered. But human I am and the battle is not over yet.

Now to replace the boxing gym I am back at planet fitness 5 days a week, and I got a program from a trainer and I attend the classes he teach. And these are some very challenging classes. He has altered the classes to cover me and another guy because we are there the most. We do circuit style training 3 days a week focusing on legs, arms, and abs then do the Planet Fitness Circuit. The first day I went my body felt like garbage but After which I got used to it and now I feel great after the class. Yes I am super tired everyday but its worth it. I am getting better and better at running with everyday. *smiles*

My goal is 170lbs and I am now 213.8lbs. I have a little over 40lbs to go. so little but so much lol. The key to staying on track is prayer, preparation, and focus lol. Believe me I prays alot over this. I want to stop every single day but I don't I can't. I feel like something is supposed to happen when I am done. IDK what but something good. I think my weight loss and health focus is tied to something inside me. Like this is the first step to finally gaining control over my life and making changes. But we will see.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I don't think god plans out our life like I have been told and heard. At least not everyone's. I think god often doesn't guide us until we make a decision of what we want. If not then what is free will. It may not even be that he has only one plan for us. He may have a couple up his sleeve. I think he just guides us. Yes I do believe god has souls he picks out for specific purposes and even those that he switches up later in life seeing that they would better fit this purpose. Not saying he made a mistake just saying that he has a better idea for us. Just think.. You have a lot of ppl out there that don't know what they want out of life or what to do with themselves,  both god fearing and non god fearing types. Wait let me change that I don't like the term god fearing because I am not fearful of him in any way. I will say god loving yeah I like that better.

But any who god I think puts us here to see what we choose and where it can possibly go, what new things will happen or of we are even going to take any of the opportunities he gives us. Now I do strongly believe having a relationship with god helps us figure out what we want and then go from there but if we don't have that communication with him we can get lost and confused (me being a prime example) I am struggling or that relationship with god because I am so very lost with a lot of thing and I know I need to talk to him to figure out where I want to go. And with his help he will take me there. Hopefully someday. But yeah I don't really think of god as telling all of us what our purpose is I think he gives us some of us a chance to pick out our own cards and he explains the best path to reaching it.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Just me 
I have decided to take my little excerpts on a different direction. Less love and relationship focused and more a lot more focus on Self Completion. I have been thinking and you cannot find happiness with another if you are not happy with yourself. So a direction change is a must, a life change is a must. I have been too focused on that. I am sure a lot of us have. They say that you don't find love it finds you, but why do us all still try so hard still. To me, for me my personal reasoning is because I don't feel complete, so I thought that wholeness relied in another. That’s horrible thinking, how I am going to be happy with you if I am not happy with me. It’s doomed to fail from the beginning. After much prayer, observation and debate I am looking with in for some answers and some happiness. There are 3 things I consider the main factors in I improvement the mind, the body, and the soul. Each equally important and each have to be considered in a different approach.

The Mind you have to nourish and develop. With hobbies, studying, artistry... something to stimulate it. Now I have taken on a few different projects (person type) and always find myself starting strong then teeter off into barely even thinking about it. What was the culprit... romance and love. I JUST RELIZED that lol. Every time I found what I thought was the one I would forget everything I was doing and focus on them which is a huge mistake. If you are the type that loose what you were doing because of the one you are with then it’s possible you just not ready for one of those. It’s important not to ever forget your own plan of action.

How do you bring yourself back and nourish your mind. That’s the easy part. You have hobbies, studying etc... I plan on... wait scratch that, I am studyiing again this time Dreamweaver and I am making great headway. I am on Rosetta stone learning other languages, looking into learning the piano (always wanted to learn that but never had the money for lesson) and I am drawing again. I missed it, never realized how much it made me feel finishing a picture that’s halfway decent lol. I say go out there and find some new interests, revamp some old ones and focus on getting to that next level mentally. Build yourself up, encourage yourself.

With the mind on its way, it’s time to start thinking of body... what about it. Well I have severely disappointed myself, and I need to fix this. Yes I lost a lot of weight but I am still far from a goal I set last year. My own fault. Everyone says be happy with how you look, or you are skinny how... No not even close to what I want to achieve. I say I am clothing skinny not bathing suit skinny. I have fell off here too, I gained 30lbs back and don’t even say muscle weights more than fat smh that is a myth... a pound is a pound whether muscle or fat. I am now 220lbs and need to tighten up all over. Not for anyone else, or to meet someone but for me. So I can be happy with myself finally. Unfortunately for now I had to stop the boxing because it is an expensive endeavor and I am trying to get my finances straight and had to cut some expenditure... (Meaning a brutha is broke lol) But I still have my lil Planet Fitness membership and have built a new workout routine I start today actually. Its cardio heavy which is harsh and I am actually not too focused on the weight loss, I am more so on the body redesign lol. I want my swimmers body hahaha. After the gym I will also be doing the insantiy workout for 2months... and I know I know sounds like I am over doing it but no. The boxing workouts were intense and taught me that if you are not exhausted and sore from the workout then you are not working out... plain and simple. I am actually looking for to this. Exercising preoccupies my mind and steadies my heart loll. Eating habits is also a part of the body makeover... you have to correct your eating to. I have pretty much got that down pack. I don’t drink nearly as much soda as I do. Most of the week I eat meals with no carbs, but the weekends usually are bad lol. I tend to eat a little bad there but not horrible. You have to eat your heaviest *carb heaviest* meal for breakfast so your body can work off of that throughout the day. And for lunch and dinner are usually vegetables and some protein. But with this I hope to finally finish and reach my goal of at least 175lbs.

And we have the soul, and with that irk. I guess going to church and celebrating with my church fame learning about God and such will fix me. I still feel kind of empty at times, like there is a lot missing but others I feel invincible or on top of everything. There are times where I am sad and just rather be alone but that’s when I force myself out or to go to church. I am trying to be as active as I can. I am a part of the Men’s Ministry Council the M.O.S aka Men of Standard and I am still ushering on a regular but it’s nice to have some Sundays off finally. They don’t know how close I was to stepping back and not doing it for a while... again I was going thru something and in my feelings alot and church was not even in my mind... a horrible way of thinking. But I snapped out of it and realized that I have a family that is there to talk to if need be. (at least I hope lol)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

A friend was talking to me about love and such (what else lol) but he kept telling me that I only stick to one type of person and I am focused only on looks lol. SMH just showed how much he has to learn about me, because I am not, looks get boring for me after a day. I don't date statues haha.

To me when looking for someone whether rite or wrong that we look I think it always starts off visual, based on looks. As bad as that sounds, its true. Now the case isnt the same for everyone but for most I think it is. You see someone that sparks an interest, you don't know they name, their likes or dislikes or anything. You saw someone and something inside you said wow ok, yeah I like him/her. I want to meet them. If that's bad then well hey.. oh well lol its what makes sense to me at the moment. But why is that bad, thats how it works with everything almost you see someone or something that peeks an interest or sparks something inside you and you want more. But its not the only thing you should focus on. Once again I say I DONT DATE STATUES... (all pretty on the outside but nothing on the inside)

But after you see someone you like, you talk to them then you move on to the intellectual level. Can you 2 hold a conversation with each other, do you have some common interests. You learn about each other. You find out about hobbies, goals, what they life has been like, what they like to do for fun etc... You are spending time together liking each other more and more. Building on common interests are learning and developing new ones with each other. At this point you may not be in love but you are definitely in like. You think about them often, you call you text you send goofy pictures. You look forward to just them.. in your life.

With all that happening and you growing and spending time together that's when you develop a spiritual connection with them. A bond, you souls begin to connect with each other and when that happens you are lifting each other to the next level, even closer to God. That person has now become an imprint in your life. You are introducing them to friends, family etc.. you are making sacrifices for that person and they are for you. You are reaching levels of ecstasy (no sexual all the time lol) and happiness that you thought you would never reach. You and that persons are now connected for a lifetime. This person is effecting your life goals and ambitions now. You are including them in it, you become less selfish and start thinking of more of there happiness than of your own and this should work both ways they should be thinking about yours too. This is what makes a life long relationship you are thinking of the other more then of your self.

This is how I believe love and relationships should work. So take out the drama, the hang ups and miss conceptions. Realize that each person is not a video game on pause and that everyone has a past and just Pray on it and let God lead you to the one he made for you. So yes I am a visual person, but I that is not the only thing I look at, there is an entire being behind the pretty package that will make your happy a lot longer than just focusing on the outside will ever do.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Sometimes I need to have a internal dialogue with myself to get myself in order. I am not sure if it makes me seen crazy or what but it often does help me work alot out and once I make the decisions I need to make good or bad I never turn back. Thats what got me to Maryland and even got me to come out of the closet to my family, but again it was necessary to decided a few things....

Karreem: Oh, hey Reem you look like you have something on your mind.

Reemo: .................

Karreem: Whats wrong.

Reemo: Seriously..

Karreem: What?

Reemo: Really.. we have to go thru this again. And so soon. I'm starting to think you like things this way.

Karreem: *lets out sigh* what is wrong now, why are u all moody. Things are going great, we moved out, job is going good. About to be in a spot where we are financial stable for a little while. Going to Church regularly. Things are good.

Reemo: Things are ok.. not good and far from great. You are slipping and slipping fast. I have tried to keep quiet but I cant you need to change it.

Karreem: Keep quiet about what.

Reemo: Look.. we are hurting, hurting alot. This is a first for us. This will take time. But We cant let it destroy us. You know what I am talking about. This has got to stop. Look at you. I am you, you can't hide anything from me. Shoot you can't even hide this from other people.

Karreem: I am fine.

Reemo: No you are not. Clearly... You are hiding this like everything else you do. Maybe thats it maybe you hid so much you lost yourself completely.

Karreem: I have lost nothing. I gained alot. I am not even hiding anything anymore. I even came out to our family.

Reemo: Congratulation.... you are no longer living a lie, that was not even a lie. Our brothers, and sister already new. Moms guested something like that was going on, and our aunt and cousin new that. They no one even blinked when you said it except mom. But we knew what her reaction was going to be.

Karreem: Don't do that you know how hard that was.

Reemo: I do.. and I also know why you did it at this time and it was wrong.

Karreem: Wrong!?! So I shouldnt have told, si that what you are saying.

Reemo: NO you should have told sooner, and you only told because you are/were in love with that damn dude.

Karreem: Partially yes... but not even the whole reason why. He only made me think if I was going to honestly love someone I couldnt keep lying to my family about who I was. Or be ashamed of it.

Reemo: That may be true, but he shouldnt have been a factor. He has been to much of a factor in our lives and it needs to stop.

Karreem: You dont know what you are talking about, I am over that whole situation.

Reemo: NO you are not!! you are burying it. Ignoring it. It didnt work out. Move the hell on already. Find someone that deserves us. Someone that will show the same love back. You try to got damn hard on ones that dont deserve or want it.

Karreem: ......

Reemo: O you mad now, good. Do something about it.

Reemo: I am tired of us always feeling this way, like we are undeserving of anything. Like we wont ever find any happiness. You are focusing to much on finding someone when we are not happy within. Focus on that first. What will make us happy alone.

Karreem: I am happy alone

Reemo: No you are barely content alone. Content is not happy, content is just dealing. That never lasts just dealing with something. eventually you will get tired and snap. Most times not in a good way.

Reemo: You need an attitude adjustment. Shit say no once. Cuss out loud, at someone when they deserve it. GO GET A FRIGGIN DRINK WITH A FRIEND!!! You are to sheltered and co dependent now. We used to be soo independent, happy on our own. If someone didn't like something about us we didnt care, most times didn't acknowledge such a persons existence. And where is Sebastian at, how far are we with that plan.

Karreem: We were mean. Cold. Untouchable.

Reemo: Maybe, but we have grown from that in so many ways and I refuse to let some unrequited love get us back. We fell for the wrong one it happens. Move one to something else. All the signs were there but you ignored every single one.  And stop asking your friends advise so much they lives are just as broken as ours. How you going to go to someone for help and they are just as messed up. Makes no sense.

Karreem: Look

Reemo: NO you look. I and soo tired of this. We should be in a different spot then we are now. Love isnt everything. Its not the only thing in life. We have to get ourselves straight before we can even share a life with someone. I know it still hurts and we have bad nights but that wont be forever. It never is. We always bounce back and get over people quickly. Get back serious with getting healthy, find that career, shoot find a passion. Stop staying in every weekend. Go out somewhere. Do something. And for God's sake master your finances. I see you making stupid mistake after stupid mistake.

Reemo: And Damn Say NO. Its ok not to help someone. You carry to many peoples problems with you. God didnt put us here for that. Be a friend not a push over. If they stop talking to us because we refuse to help then fuck em. Shit.

Karreem: I do say no

Reemo: No where enough, and not to the right people. You know that your generousity has been adused in the past. That wont happen again. Hell it has just been abused, severly. I am proud of the way you carried yourself but it shouldnt have got to that point.

Karreem: I am just tired. Its getting hard all of a sudden.

Reemo: Yes I know you are. This is why I should take over. Show everyone the real us. You know I wont hide anything, and I will make sure we are fine.

Karreem: You act like I am failing

Reemo: NO you are not failing you are lost, and confused.

Karreem: Yes and thats why we are in Church. For guidance.

Reemo: Church is a great start, but like God said, Faith without work is dead. All you have now is faith that is to be honest still shaky. And why arent you reading the bible. You wont learn about him if you dont read his story. And its fine to be mad at God, just make sure the reason you are mad is a good one. Non of that petty crap.

Karreem: I am done talking you. I need to think.

Reemo: You do to much of that as it is. Relax I got this. Starting tonight. I am not angry I am just frustrated. Somewhere we lost yourself and we need to get that back ASAP.

Reemo: We will loose friends and make mistakes but will find our happiness, and get our confidence back. I miss having that. I felt unbeatable at time. I will fix this.

To be continued.....

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I have written this like a billion times over. Using humor, fantasy, suspense (that ended badly), and even mystery but with something like this I think straight honesty is the best policy. Even now I know what I want to say but I don't know how I to put it down.

These past few weeks have been both amazing, and horrible lol. Taken me through so much in a short time and I am still here, weakened but here. I had the chance to reconnect with a friend I thought I lost forever, but for whatever reason God brought them back and then took them again lol. I am still wrestling with what am I supposed to gain from that. But I pray to God everyday for guidance in this matter.

I still don't consider myself a religious person and I suppose I never will but I am active in my church and happy when I am there. I love all the members, I love what I do there and I love that feeling of home. The CCWDC has welcomed me openly and unconditionally since day one and I never looked back. I am learning a lot about myself, my God, and Life. With me I had more downs than ups, and the downs seem to be keeping me in the dirt more and more with each failure. But I have faith that God has something in store for me that will blow my mind wide open.

But I am rambling back to my story,..

Umm most of you know that I am for the most part very private individual, I keep people at a distance... Now some of you are probably saying that no you tell me everything but no sorry lol. I learned growing up to tell just enough to keep questions from arising or nosiness occurring. I don't know why or how I even do that lol its just a default. But since moving to Maryland I promised myself to be more open and honest about my thoughts and feelings. Harder than I thought it would be lol. I am yes a late bloomer and didn't have my first date real date until I was 29... sad I know but I had my own demons to work through i.e the weight loss, hate for the world, money issues, etc... but moving here did help me. It forced me out of my stagnation. And that I promise all of you.. if you are stuck and needing a change get out of your staggnation. Move, get a new job, take on a hobby.

Now going to church (CCWDC - Community Church of Washington DC) the goal or theme of the church was and still is Next Level. Getting to that higher level in your life. And I believe I am doing ok with it, but recently something hit me, well after the Pastor (Pastor Aaron Jones Wade) said something while preaching. He said "How do you think you are going to reach that next level carrying the lies of the previous level on your back.) <----- something like that. But that got me to thinking. What is my next level..? I decided that Truth is my next level, straight forward truth. And no not that telling the truth where you are mean or just blunt with no remorse. I mean being honest with yourself. That's what seems impossible nowadays, internal honesty. You cant be honest with anyone until you tell yourself the truth. With truth comes action and change. A lot of change. And you will loose people along the way but like they preached, some are brought into your lives for a season. I just have to start recognizing who is and who isn't seasonal people, and stop trying to make the seasonal ones the long term ones.

But I don't have to my secrets that I would need to be honest about. I am for the most part a straight forward person, or I just try my best to be. But there is one that I told no one.. well very few. And I had to make sure I told my family before I told anyone else. For me that was monumentally hard because I tell them little to nothing about whats going on with me. I need to stop that too. Thats bad. But my honesty has to start with them. I love all of them dearly and got to start somewhere lol. So after telling them and relieving mostly good reviews and with everything else thats been going on I guess I jsut need to vent about it. Get it out of my system, and stop being so introverted about it.

About a week ago.. I told my family that I am Gay. So I came out the closet I guess is the term lol. I am still telling certain ones, some of the smith clan is hard to catch, and I am NOT telling Grandma... Lord knows I am not ready to poke that rattle snake, (Grandma can be mean and a little cruel at times) and it would be a long useless conversation ending in well anyway.... I told my mom, brothers, sister (mom told her first.. thanks mom -_-), aunt, uncle and one of my cousins. I have a rather large family and I hate talking on the phone and even more so about feelings type things... sooo this will be a process. I told my mother first, and she didnt know shockingly. She knew something was different about me but didnt know what and said that she didn't want to pry and risk me separating myself from the family because I was/is always so distant. She took it well.. I wish better but I am happy overall. It could have been alot worse. My brothers and sister where easier each convo was about 2mins lol, we never did talk much on the phone to each other. But my middle brother guessed it from some instagram pics (social media ppl be careful lol) and said he was going to wait for me to say something. He is as supportive as you can get. MY youngest brother, he said he knew for years and didn't care and wanted me to tell him, but he they both love me all the same. My sister already knew and she feels the same. LOL I love my siblings even though we just got to that point in adulthood cuz we used to torch-er each other.

I still haven't said anything to my uncle..or anthony and I need to soon. But my aunt and cousins here already was wondering about that with me lol, They said they thought something was up but didn't know and didn't care really. My cousin said I am still me and its 2012 who aint gay lol. Then I took a deep breathe and told my aunt and to be honest I wish my mom said something like she said instead of what she told me. But my aunt simply said o ok. Thank you for telling me, then asked if i was happy, if i was ok, and if i was being safe. Then said said it doesn't change a thing she loves me no less and just wants me to be happy in life. Then my cousin said I can finally start bringing interests by to meet the family.... (if they only knew that tragic story) There is a lot of family that still don't know and idk if I am going to individually tell everyone. I only wanted the family in my day to day to hear directly from me. The ones that I see most often.

I was planning on coming out to them sometime soon but what made me do it was.. first I was sooo tired and angry all the time... Just tired of hiding a part of my life that God has given me. Frustrated that I wanted to say so much to my family about whats going on but I couldn't because i didn't want them to know all my feelings and relationships was with a guy, and finally i was in a situation I was in and me realizing that if i was to be with someone 100% I had to be 100% honest. How was I going to want you in my life but hide you from family and friends. That's ridiculous to me. What gave me the strength to was my Church family, seeing how openly and honestly they live and how happy they are. They are my example, and they make great ones.

But yea that's what I had to say. I am Gay always have been, born this way and will stay this way. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by of God of love and no mistakes. If you don't want to talk or associate with me after this then ok. Sorry to leave it this way, but I have my own life to live and my own path I am searching for. I cant be worried about yours at the same time.